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So apparently Jesse isn't in Jail yet. I only know this because he called my phone 4-6 times in the past day or two. damn. Cell phones aren't allowed in jail. He's probably running from the cops. when I say running, I mean hanging out in his mom's basement while she smokes pot. pbbbbbbb. what a downer.
Then today at work there was this guy with literally the mississippi flowing out of his ass. He made me give him some prune juice at 5pm. That was a poor choice. He had been off and on the commode for 3 or 4 hours. Which was not a small task. When you're 300 pounds and your legs are so filled with fluid that you can't stand on them.. but refuse to use a bedpan... or wear a brief, aka diaper. ..and have to get up to the commode. Pretty sure the charge nurse and I were trying to lift him up and it was like he was too lazy to hold his own weight. He kept telling us 'LIFT!! LIFT!!!' um.. listen up crazy, both of us togethor dont' weigh you... pretty sure you're on your own. We'll cushion your fall. Actually, your ginormous fluidy legs will cushion your fall. Anyways, to make a long story short, the night was pretty dead up until this guy decided to have some steadily flowing BM. I was playing some hang man with doug the charge nurse, when fluid legs needed to use the commode. We got him up there and while he was standing, (aka us holding him up..) He started going. This wasnt' like just a normal poo. It was greeny brown thickily thin drippings. I shouldn't say drippings, it was a stream. So we pulled him onto the commode and we were cleaning up the floor. Then we got him cleaned up, which also took forever because he could only stand for 7 seconds at a time. So basically it was like, stand, wipe, sit back down on commode. Repeat process 14 times. Then we got him into bed, and all situated. To make it worse the whole time he is complaining about us, telling us we are slow, and this is just 'ridiculous' and he is 'damned cold.' Listen up poop stream- I can only wipe up diarrhea so fast , so you're just going to have to chill the f out. As soon as we got him back into bed he puts his call light on. He is going . In bed. Doug was the one to go in and he came out to tell me the news. It was hilarious. He just said. ' Um... I think he'll need both of us for this...' Then I said, ' what happened?' and he said ' I don't know, I didn't lift up the covers.'
Never a good sign.
So we go into the room and Doug rolls him on his side and I'm wiping. After I finally get it all clean, (thighs-mid back diarrhea), and get all the sheets and junk rolled underneath him.. the faucet of poo turned back on. Except it was hilarious because all of a sudden a submarine shot out of his ass onto the bed.. a huge solid poo. HUge. Like the size of a large guinea pig... or a miniature dachshund. Then with some more liquid stool. As Doug said, ' it was like poop.. with gravy. Lots and lots of gravy.' So I cleaned him again, and rewrapped everything to keep the poo off his clean butt and then he coughed.. and more shot out all over. Then 20 minutes later... it was a rewind of the process... starting off with the commode again, and the leakage... and the re-leakage. then finally, at shift change, he was done. He said he hadn't pooped in about 2 days. I guess that prune juice really shoots it out of him. It was like a boat of large chunky poo taking the river of slime out of the colon. slime gravy. Interesting day.
I wish jesse was in jail. pbbbbbb..