Thursday, January 31, 2008

STILL CREEPY

"now thats sounds exciting, warm weather.. so jealious>>>:) i just got done with work, long day/night..im thinking i got 65 hrs this week.. arrr.. so your getting a dog, cool. what kind of dog are you getting? im kinda excited to go on our date, i never been on a date for awhile, i miss getting out and meeting new people. well i pose i will talk to you later. have fun on your trip... "





In case nobody noticed the last 3 blogs, .... this creepy 30-some year old guy just sent me this message. hmm..... There are a few things that are pretty disturbing about this.
1.) No grammar skills. I can see a few typing misakes, but I really have a pet peeve of people using the wrong you're/your 's. It's a pretty simple concept.
You're Is a contraction, meaning you are. For example you would write, I see that you're losing weight.' Meaning, you are losing weight.
Your Means it belongs to you. Like Is that your dog?
FOr some reason, 30 percent of the people on the planet just don't get it. In summary, if you want me to not like you, screw up the you're/your in a sentence.

2.) We are going on a date? I have never spoken to you before... I wrote you one message that said this:
Sorry... don't check this very often. How are you?
In 30 year-old man language that must mean. I'm super excited to date you!!!!

If I remember correctly, my co-worker just told you that you should meet me. Too bad I didn't get much input. poop stains.

3.) Are you a pirate? ARRR matee. I can just see you at your job with an eye patch and shit. ARrr... where's me meeting?

4.) The lady I work with basically gives this guy the 'down low' on what is happening in my life. So I hate it when she asks me questions about stuff while we're at work... because I know she will then tell him and he will then tell me the random facts he knows about my life.
Like this: HEY! I worked a whole lot today.
I hear you're 5'7 and have a love for oatmeal.
Today was pretty good. I went rollerskating.
Heard you're getting a dog. What kind of dog are you getting?

I should start telling her some non-true facts about myself. Like how much I love love love going deep sea... angling .. for marine fish. ALso, how I had a third nipple removed, the 'thurple' my last boyfriend called it. Or that I am a really good painter.. or.. I guess anything. That way it would be more fun reading the messages he sends.
Hey annie, how are you? Do you have a big scar from your surgery?

5.) I cant' tell if he's a pirate, or from the deep south. 'I never been on a date in a while.'
Just try saying that a couple times with a bubba gump shrimp accent.

6.) The only picture I have seen of him. (yes that's correct, I never actually have met him.), The only picture I have seen is with him wearing a hat from .. mm.. probably mills fleet farm. While he's trying to act like a gangsta. Super attractive.

Let me just re-write/translate the message as to what it really is.

Umm.. hey there shortee. I'm just chillin here in me mills fleet farm hat drinkin me rum. Wanna ride in the 'lac? Excited for your trip? And gettin yur dawg?I worked lots today, me other job is a shrimpin boat cap'n. We eat shrimp soup, shrimp gumbo, shrimp salad... Heard you went shoppin today are kohls, how are the new plates working out? I don't have any friends. I'm really super excited to date you for that reason. That reason, and the reason that nobody wants to date me because I bring them bags o' chickens. Also because I feel like I'm robbing the cradle. And bein a pimp. ;) ___((((( <<<,,,,,<<<< Shit, my eyepatch just fell off. Just incase you forgot, I know you're getting a dog. Where should we go out to eat on our date? I am desperate. Please talk to me. How many days is you're vacation? Hopefully not to many. Because our date is comign up. Oh, I gtg, my friend's's here and we're gonna watch two girls, one cup.
dreaming of ya-- J man






I hope the plane crashes on the way back from the islands.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Every day is weird when you're a nurse

Yesterday at work .. was very busy to say the least. It wouldn't be so bad but the charge nurse was Donna. Donna is a spaz. A very large spaz. Basically anything that happens, she makes it seem like the world is coming to and end, and there is lava dripping down from the ceiling or a couple tigers close by. WHen all that's really happening is two call lig hts are on... at the Same time!!



Anyways, yesterday was busy. I didn't even get to start charting until 11:15, so I didnt' leave the hospital until 1:30. Oh well. At least I get 2.5 hours overtime if I include no dinner break. woop woop.

I also eat the hospital's food. Not from the cafeteria. Like the graham crackers that are for the patients, and the pudding that I ate... those are all for patients. But at least half the people I work with eat them too, so I guess I really don't feel bad at all.

Around 4:00 this admit came in from the clinic. SHe was there for fluid overload/CHF junk. I think 1/2 the people are. So I got her IV in, and all her admit forms done.... but then.. there was the catheter. I saved it for last mostly because I really wasn't looking forward to it, because she was pretty overweight. I'd say a deuce and a half.. to be exact, 287.4lb. She also had stated that she hates getting them in because she's so sore down there. I asked her if she gets help cleaning down there at the nursing home and she said she does it herself.

Uh oh. No good. Uh oh. that is never a good thing. USually people get a pretty poor job of getting cleaned up at nursing homes, but when they do it themselves... (piss poor job.) when they can hardly move and are in a wheelchair. I don't even really know if she could reach, but I didnt' ask. Anywho, I got the catheter stuff ready. While I was doing so, another nurse came in to help me spread legs, etc. Then the patient is all like, yeah, this girl's been having trouble, it took her a while to find my vein.

Um, whatever bitch, it took 3 seconds. I put the tourniquet on and then put the IV in. I would say a maximum of 35 seconds. But I did look at both of her hands first to try to find a good one.

If it isn't apparent, I get mad when people get mad at me for only helping them. Like when I have 6 patients, (about 2 too many..) like I did yesterday, and one guy that I h adn't been in his room for about and hour and a half was like. Where the hell have you been? Sleeping? I need another blanket for my feet! (this was also a guy who was only there because he needed his INR to go up.. he could walk around, do whatever. could haev easily gotten the blanket himself...)

RIght. Yeah, I just decided to go into room 12 down there, the only room without a patient and take a little snooze. I am pretty tired.... BUt hey, here's your blanket. Asshole. I can see it was a very pressing need.

Back to the catheter story, we asked her to try to spread her legs, which she must have thought was a joke, because she couldn't spred them past shoulder width. so basically, I could see her thighs pretty well. Awesome. SO we were pulling her legs apart, which proved exceedingly difficult. It was like her legs were only used to being in one position, and when you pulled them away from that position they sprang back. When we could spread her far enough to actually see the giner, then came the hard part. She would not let me open up her labias. I could not touch them because apparently they were ridiculously sore. THey looked pink on the inside... but doesn't everybody's? She did smell very bad though. Very very very bad. Like the fungus smell. So basically I tried to put her catheter in blindly because when I tried to see what I was doing she would scream and shut her legs togethor, with me on the inner half of them. So I decided to blindly put it in while her legs were spread. I couldn't really do that either because een the tiny lubed up plastic catheter touching her giner was apparently too much to handle, because she would scream again and smash her legs togethor. (If she had that much strength.. I really don' tunderstand how she didnt' walk...) Anyways, after 10 minutes of havign my face in fairly close range of one of the worst fungus fish smelling giner's in the world I was kind of running out of ideas... and time. Being there were 5 other people that also needed crap done. So I juststuck my finger up her giner. Then there's only one hole that the catheter could possibly go in. I then pushed the catheter up until pee started coming out. Success. A disgusting success. I didn't know I was going to stick my fingers up an old lady's gina that day. Nursing is just full of surprises.
The smell was awful. After we opened up her door it seeped out into the hallway, then every time you were 30 feet outside of her room you could smell what was coming.
I tried to wash her up down there... wasn't a huge success being she wouldn't let me do very much. But there is only a few thing's that gross me out. Fungus giners and pus in the pee. That's about it. She I think, had both. Or at least some sort of white-yellow stuff growing around her .. area.

In summary, I'm really excited to go back to work in an hour . awesome.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Real bad day.

Yesterday was a real bad day.
I woke up at the usual time, which is you know, whenever. Then I went to go work out. So far, so good. Then I locked my keys in my car, with all the spares inside.
At least it was only 20 dollars to get the door open. In duluth, it's 37$.
By that time I didnt' feel like working out, so I ate food instead. I was going to make some toast. I had exactly one piece of bread left, but I burned it in the toaster.
poop stain.
THen, I went to go tanning. I don't really go tanning, but everybody at work said I should most definitely go.. being I probably wouldnt' be able to walk outside for more than 15 minutes without getting burned when I go on vacation. So I took their advice. I went tanning on the lowest grade possible, for 6 minutes. Then I came home and showered and went to work.
When I got to work I was all.. gosh, my face feels really hot. Then I looked in the mirror. (you think I would have done this before going to work. I guess my appearance doesn't matter too much.? ) Anyways, it was real red. None of the rest of my body had even appeared to have gone tanning. No pinkness, except my pink face. With nicely outlined eye protector thingies. Good look for me that day.
Then all my patients would look at me reallly funny when I came into their room. Then I would have to explain that I went tanning. For 6 m inutes. Pathetic.
Then we got 7 admits at work. 7. super ass shit pile. Especially when you already have 4 patients. It would have been fine if they were normal patients. And could, you know, take care of themselves. But they weren't. I spent 45 minutes in one guys room looking for a 'spider.' that apparently moved so fast I could never catch it. I had to look through 6 of his bags, and the garbage, which was had his old diapers in it. I had to go into his room several thousand times looking for this 'spider.' Luckily, also, on day shift, there was a nurse that had all of the patients I had for e vening shift. Luckily, she didnt' know how to do anything. With anything.
She gave one guy his lantus that was scheduled for 7am at 2:45. Maybe she can't read. That would be a good possibility. She also did nothing to the guy who had a 'spider' in his room somewhere. Including the blood draws she was supposed to do. So I had to do them all for her when I came on to shift. Then change his central line dressing, and heparinize all of them. In that amount of time 2 different admits came to the floor, and I was supposed to do both of them. Which takes about 40 minutes per person. Hope nobody dies while I'm in here doing the work that the day shift labor lady didnt' do. Why do they have ob nurses float to telemetry? We dont' float there...... crazies.
Then this lady that I was admitting. ( She was only 36, and had about 50 billion problems. ) Mostly because this is what she does for her life
Sits at home and eats all day while watchign TV and letting her type two diabetes that she 'doesnt' know about' get out of control. She is on disability, for what I dont' know. Maybe lazyness. Then she acts really helpless and is like, I'm going to need help wiping myself in the bathroom because I can't reach.
At this point in time I don't even want to think about what's growing down there. Then she started complaining the she was goign to leave to go smoke. Which I explained she could not do. Then she started swearing at me and yelling at me for keepign her 'trapped in here.' I told her she could leave against medical advice, but that might be a bad idea if she's having these chest pains. Which I'm sure were real.... super painful. She sits there in bed saying her pain is a 9/10. Which most people would think is unbearable. Except she's just sitting there talking on the phone about one of her drunk friends while eating chips. (she had these in her purse.)
In case anyone is wondering, she is the reason that I am republican. It really pisses me off that I am paying for her .. everything I guess, which she chooses to use her disability and welfare to live at home and do nothing to help other people. Then she comes to the hospital because she doesn't to shit to take care of herself, and I have to pay for all of the pointless tests we do to her, the morphine we give her, basically the 70,000 dollars it costs to keep her in the hospital for 4 days feeding her morphine for her 'unbearable 10/10 chest pain. Even though all of her tests come back negative, and her cardiac enzymes are negative, and she is in sinus rhythym, echo's are negative, chest x-rays are negative. you know, Her pain never changes. She later asked if she could have a foley to go to the bathroom because she was 'too weak.' The charge nurse later came in and talked to her that foley's were for people who were unable to get up, or that it would be dangerous for them to do so. She replied with, 'nobody can make me get out of this bed.'

Awesome. Then she asked for some coffee, Which I brought her, But apparently it was too hot and she spit it all over me. bizzatch. Except you cant' get mad at her, you know, lawsuits and shit. So, you just say, oh I'm sorry. I didnt' think it was that hot. MEanwhile, crazy 'ithink there's a spider in my room' is constantly putting his light on.
So it's 8:30 and I go to grab an orange from my purse cause i havent' had dinner yet. But as soon as i sit down to chart for 5 minutes and eat my orange crazy puts his lights on.
I come back and there's another admit. So I do that one, and I come back and the float nurse was in the process of eating my orange.
This is the evil float nurse. The one that always looks likee she's pissed off. Mostly because she always is. She has done nothign all night. When one of her patients lights goes off she just stays in the chair and looks at the computer and just pretends like nothing is happening. So I have to do it for her. She is evil. An Evil orange eating devil face ass dick.
I wasn't even coming back to sit down. I was coming back because I had to get zofran out of teh pyxis because the admit lady felt nauseated. So I just watched her eat my orange as I ran around to different rooms. Mraw. :(
So I left at 12:45, which is an hour and 15 minutes later than I should have. Which I probably won't get payed for, because st joe's payroll is a dick. So I get home and I'm real hungry but all I have is an eggo waffle... and some mushrooms. So I decided to eat the waffle. I put it in the toaster and reach for the syrrup when I realize the bottom of the syrrup is wet.. and slippery. I stand on a chair to look at the rest of teh cupboard. (this is the very rop cupboard that you can't really see...) and the vegetable oil that I used to make this lady's birthday cake with had leaked all over the cupboard.
How the hell do you clean an oil spill? Call the EPA. ? Anyways, I decided to just kind of slide it into a cardboard box I found in the recycling bag. So I'm trying to slide all this oil into the cardboard box. It's quite a lot of oil.. I remember tightening the oil cap before I put it up there. Thinking that I would be preventing anythign from happning. Wrong. Then the cardboard breaks out on the bottom and the oil goes all over the stove into all of the burner compartments, and on the eggo w affle.
I didnt' even know what to do. I just stood there and looked at everything. Then I ate the waffle. I tried to brush some of the oil off with a paper towel. Whatever. Eat shit oil . So then an hour later when I finished cleaning up that mess. Which is really hard. You use a rag and a towel and it just soaks up the oil. You can't really wash the oil out of the towel. ( tried about 10 times before I just decided to throw the towels and rags away. )
Then I just wanted to go to bed even though I was still hungry. Except the people above me were having a party and I had to listen to the drunk girls scream and the bass pounding through the floor. The stopped around 3 though. So it wasn't so bad.

Today however was much better. Iwent to lunch with michelle. Got some coffee. then I got coffee again at a different place. Then I called this air force lady and she told me a bunch of good things. Then I called my mom and talked to her about the puppies.. Always good. Then I went tanning for 6 minutes and didn't get burned at all. Then I worked out for an hour, and went to this kickboxing class that was really fun. Then I went to the grocery store and bought some more tea because all of mine had been soaked in oil. Then while I was getting the tea I saw that m yfavorite low sugar apple c innamon oatmeal was on sale 5 for $10. (Which is a savings of 6.79 if anyone is concerned.) Then I went to target and I got this really warm blanket that is brown on clearance, and ALSO grumpy/grumpier old men dvd combo for only 6.50. Amazing. Then I went to starbucks and read a book about nutrition food stuff. ( very interesting..) Now I am at home watching grumpier old men and eating apple cinnamon oatmeal. Very very good day. amazing in fact. Couldnt' ask for anythign better really. Thanks God. I owe ya.

That's all.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

still creeped out

I decided to check my myspace page the other day. Which I usually do about once every week or two. Creepy face mcgee 33 year old had apparently asked to be my friend, and had messaged me. 5 times. ..
Umm...
You think that you would wait until the other person messaged back instead of just keep messaging more and more. The messages went something like this:

Hey Annie..... This is Jason...... Just dropping you a line....


That was the first one. Interesting. That would have been okay... but then it followed by these 4 messages. (some even on the same day)

2,) MArnie said you were going on vacation? Where are you going? Anywhere interesting?

3.) How's being a nurse? Do you like being a nurse? I could never do that job.. too much blood and guts.

4.) Hey, if you don't like myspace very much you can email me, (puts his email address out there.) I check that a couple times a day, so I should be able to get back to you pretty quick.

5.) I was just wondering what kind of food you liked. I'm a big fan of olive garden myself. Marnie said you said you eat mostly anything.

um... WEIRD.
This was my response to all of the messages.
Hi. SOrry. Don't check this too often. Hows life?

I wanted to say how's being a creeper? but I didn't. I should have. I bet before I die I'll wish I would have said that. It doesn't really creep me out so much that he just said hi. I would have just said hi back. But it's like him and marnie (my co worker) must just text back and forth about me all day long. Every time I work with her she asks me questions, and I know she is asking me so she can tell jason. It's weird. Maybe I should move now. To alaska. Or Africa. That would be nice and warm. I could reply with ,
'yeah! i'm going on vacation! I'm super excited. I'm going to africa for the next few months!' Actually, when I said months, I meant years. Then I am going into my arranged marriage. See ya later!'


That's the bad thing. I can't lie and say I'm moving or dead, because I work with Marnie. She will see me at work and be all, 'you're not dead. Liar!!'

Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this. Probably. It's just that I get a sick feeling like I'm going to throw up when I think about it, otherwise its' fine. I guess if we go on a date I'll have to bring a bunch of tums and zofran to keep the nausea at bay. I also need to gain about 40 pounds or lose 40 pounds to make myself extremely un-attractive. I don't know which is grosser, anorexic skinny or ginormous. But ginormous is much easier to achieve, so I'll go with that.
poop. ass. skid mark poopy underwear.
I am nervous .

Friday, January 11, 2008

meh

I don't know why I'm writing this now. nothing really happened that I can write about. I was going to add to the list below. Especially adding on to the one about the paid cop to come in and arrest you...
AFter talking to Naylon and deciding we are going to write a book togethor called, 'How to meet a winner... or become one.' We decided that the cop meeting should go something more like this:


Cop: Are you annie wyman?
me- Yes..
cop: I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.
Me: For such a fine piece of ass!? (me nodding to creeper date and pointing to ass)
Cop: Umm.... no... actually, it's about that dead 6 year old we found in the trunk of your car....
Me : (still looking at date while being pulled away) whisper: fine ass!!!!!

That would be much better. Also more awkward, which is key. It would also be more awkward to let more than one guinea pig out in the restaurant. Or better yet, buy 2 gerbils and wait until they have sex. (should be approximately 7 minutes..) Then wait until the girl gerbil starts birthing her children gerbils and put her and them in your purse and show him the small little ratlets . That would also be creepy. There's nothing weirder than a pile of freshly born gerbil's in your purse to scare away your date.... ? It's probably weirder though, MUch weirder, that I am even thinking of this.

I don't really have anything else to add because nothing happened. I signed up to take some online classes at scsu so I can try to take the m-cat and apply for medschool.
Nothing much happened at work. It was real busy. This one old 90 year old lady was really cute, and she kept trying to get up and walk to the bathroom, but every time she stood up the urine would just leak out of her. Then she'd just look up at me and say. 'uh oh..' It was so funny. I love it when patients have the same personality as me and we can make fun of eachother. Then I can say things like, 'you HAD to pee on the floor didn't you.' Then she'll be all, 'yeah, and I wanna see you get on your hands and knees and clean it!' Then we're all, Bye sunshine! Thanks for your help angel! She always calls me angel because I think she's too dimented to remember my name. Which is fine with me. Then when anyone else walks in She'll be all, ' this girl is an angel!' Then the other person is like, 'cool' I don't really know what they say. It's usually something dumb, like, 'I've never met an angel!' Creative. Really creative girl from lab. I see you're just here to draw blood. Better do that so we don't have to listen to your crappy conversation.
I have also noticed that the lab people always come in at a very bad time. Like when someone's IV is hemmorhaging all over the bed, or they have just explosive diarrhea'd all over, or in this case, dribbled pee all over their floor. I don't think they seem to care what you are in the middle of. The patient's arm could be dangling off on one side and they'd just be all. 'Looks like I'll have to draw the blood from your other arm' then just draw their blood and say some plain jane comment about something dumb and leave.
I guess something did happen that was funny when I think about it. This lady I had was throwing up and she put on her call light. I just walked into her room and saw her throwing up in the little pink spit thing and said, 'be right back.' Then I walked out.
I was leaving to get her some iv zofran for the nausea, but I just didnt' feel like explaining it to her. And she looked pretty busy anyways. I guess if anyone else was in the room at the time they would have been like... what the hell just happened?

oh my gosh! The MOST important thing ever!!! I am going to go look at puppies by the cities on tuesday!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet jesus!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

awkward things

Shit. That's all I have to say about today. Shit. Shit shit double shit. However, I did get a new phone, which was nice, being my other one was three years old and broken in half. But dont' let that good news fool you..
So, After I got my little pink phone, I was sitting and reading a book minding my own business. Then my phone rang. Instead of letting the message machine get it, which is what i SHOULD have done, I answered it. It was the ward clerk from the hospital. However, she had nothing to say about work. She was at work yesterday, as was I, and she thought it would be cool if I met her brother in law. 'Sure, whatever.' Is what I said. Thinking you know, nothing would ever happen. Poor choice. She calls my phone.. while he is sitting next to her. Her just calling would have been weird enough. Especially because she's 38, and the reason she was calling me is because she couldnt' find me on myspace. Is this happening? Are you serious?
'Yeah, we wanted to find you on myspace, that way you would know what Jason looks like.'

-Umm.... yeah.. Who's jason?
'He's my brother in law, remember? I told you about him? '
-Oh yes. Him.

At this point all I could remember were these things
1. he's 33.
2. He brought this girl a bag of chickens. Not edible chickens.. stuffed chickens.
3. Marney, (this lady I work withs' name) asked me 'If I liked the huskier build.'

Okay. These are not attractive things. People take note of this. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are on the phone with the person at the time, and they ask if you want to go out to dinner with them? I wanted to Say, actually, I think meeting your brother in law would be a very poor choice, and he sounds extremely un-attractive, and right now, I think I might throw up. Right here on my living room floor. It's sliding up my throat. Excuse me..

that probably wouldnt' work.

Second of all, since when is this 3rd grade? If someone wants to date you, THEY ask you. They dont' go up to one of their friends and say, hey, you should call up this girl and ask her out for me.'

That also goes onto the list of things that are NOT attractive.
Not so much. Instead I think I said something like, ' ... okay...! ... .. cool...! '

The rest of the conversation was a blur. All I remember is she kept asking me when I had off, because he would drive up from st cloud. Otherwise, Since i'm from st cloud, when I go home for the month I could meet him somewhere. Thank god I was working all of the rest of the weekends this month. I also only had 4 actual days to work with. Most mondays and tuesdays. Thank god I was crazy and picked up a billion shifts.
Hopefully, My life will go like this: work every day until february 8th. See emily naylon. Go on vacation. Die. That would be optimal. Or get engaged to someone else in that amount of time. I supposed I could pay someone to pretend that they are interested in dating me? ..? Right. If anybody knows anybody you know.. NORMAL, or just not more than a decade older than me, I'd be glad to take them up on it.

After I talked to her and hung up the phone, I felt like I was going to throw up. So I called naylon. 'Naylon, what do I do if I'm supposed to date a 33 year old guy who gives girls bags of stuffed chickens?' -laughing.
After a thorough conversation I realized the best thing to do is just to go on the date and make it as awkward and horrible as possible. For him, that is. This may sound bitchy, but actually, it's much nicer than the other choices. (Which are, if you are interested in knowing, )
-tellign the girl that I changed my mind and it's just not going to work out. Doing this will result in him thinking, 'my god, she didn't even want to MEET me' Plus, it will be really awkward at work because the girl will not like me because I wouldnt' date her brother in law.
-Going on the date and acting normal. Then when/if he asks to go on a second date, I will have to say no, and that will also make him feel like shit.
-dying.

These three are obviously not the best choices. After he meets me he's going to wish the last 3 hours of his life hadn't happened. Or, the date will end, and we'll both go our seperate ways, and he will laugh. A lot. and be able to tell his friends, ( granted he has any) about the weird crazy disgusting girl he went on a blind date with.

So, below, you will find a list of ideas of things to say and or do to either disgust, scare, weird-out, creep-out, (etc.) they guy.
(Just imagine you're sitting eating dinner, watching a movie, etc..)





Sweet Jesus List

1. If you have to fart, make it as obvious as possible. If it makes a noise, all the better. You don't even necessarily have to actually fart. It could just as well be a silent fart. Anyways, just kind of look into your pants, make a concerned face, and them excuse yourself to the bathroom.

2. Talk about how easy childbirth is going to be, ( for his kids.) because of your wide set vagina. (thank you mean girls.)

3. Anything about periods. Just make it in incredible detail. 'First it starts out kind of brown-ish, then goes to all of these chunks, kind of like jello with fruit in it..' I don't think anyone's period is like that, but it really does sound gross.

4. Talk about how hard it is to find the right clothes to hide the psoriasis outbreaks.



5. After that comment, just say, 'Speaking of outbreaks, it's definitely not a safe time to move our relationship into the bedroom.'


6. Throw up in his lap.


7. Refer to your pubic hair as the 'chia pet.'


8. Eat a stick of butter without chewing. (even chewing would still be gross, especially if you let some drip down your chin.)


9. Tell him that you cant' eat anything on the menu because y ou have to lose 40 pounds if you really want to be a JCPenney lingerie model.

10. Or, that you can't eat anything on the menu because you are a fruit-i-tarian, and you only eat things that were already dead. Like for example, fruit that had already fallen off the tree. Then cry when he eats his food. Because he's a murderer.

11. Find out what he looks like before the date and have a fake tattoo of his face put on your stomach, and then show it to him within the first 5 seconds of meeting him.

12. Pretend you cant' understand anything he is saying. Even if it's a question like, 'what's your favorite color?' just kind of tilt your head and look puzzled.

13. Only order alcohol for your meal. That way you wont' give a rats ass what happens anyways. That's probably what I'll do.

14. Bring him a bag of stuffed chickens. (SURPRISE!!)

15. pick your nose like you have nothing to be ashamed of.

16. Work out at least 11 times in the clothes you plan on wearing on the date.

17. Side ponytail.

18. Draw eyebrows on ... and do a VERY poor job.

19. Pay a cop to come and arrest you during dinner, then be like, 'It's for having such a dangerously fine ass.'

20. Buy a guinea pig before you go to dinner and hide it in your purse. Then let it out on the restaurant floor.

21. Ask for 10 different glasses, then pour different amounts of water in each and do that thing where you cling different ones to make a song.

22. Just say, 'HEy! GUESS WHAT! I know you may feel a little awkward, but don't. Next month I turn 23, and then, we'll only be 10 years apart!

23. Bring craig lahti to savers and have him pick out your outfit beforehand.

24. Ask,' Do you like to cut yourself?' (thanks for that one naylon)

25.Talk only of ashlee simpson.

26.Order enough food for 7 people and eat it like there's no problem

27. Act totally normal for the whole date, then be like, 'It was nice to meet you ____(insert wrong name here___'

28. Or vice versa, say his name in every sentence.

29. I know I already had a make up one, but i think it would be equally funny to buy a shade of make-up that a black person would use and slather it all over your face. Or, if you are black, buy a pale white person shade, such as my skin color.

30. Speaking of races, act extremely racist towards any particular group of people. Like, shit, I don't know, mexicans? And just bring up thoughts about them all the time. Like, 'Damn mexicans... f'ing spanish...' Except better than that.

31. Start to get all shaky and look like you're having stomach pains. When he asks what's wrong, you're going through meth withdrawals.

32. Say you think older men are really attractive. Then show him some pictures of your past boyfriends. Aka, nursing home men pictures. Then make a sexual comment about one of them. That should do it pretty well.

Well. I really can't believe it's 10:00. So much for cleaning my house. Guess I'll just watch a movie and go to bed. Sweet.
By the way, if anyone has any other really good ideas, you should tell them to me. I would greatly appreciate it.