Hello everyone! I happened to be particularily angry today. The only thing that really makes me angry in fact is my old boyfriend. He makes me so angry I have to try to think of things that are funny to try to counteract the angryness. And lets face it, nothing is funnier than a fat person who carries all of their fat in one certain spot.
For example, what M. Boom just reminded me of, the fupa. Camel toe. The ginormous giner. I think it's hilarious when the person is slightly overweight, but for some reason the main storage area of their fat is their vagina. not even the vagina, the labias. Huge labias. hahaha. So funny. Sometimes I wonder, Is it just a fat lob over the gina? (Pronounced like va -'gina') by the way, never name your kid gina. She 's doomed for failure if you do. kind of like if you name your boy Larry he will probably end up with schizophrenia. Anyways, is it a fat lob over the vagina? Like just a roll? Or are some people's labias really THAT big? I wonder if there is a guiness book of world records for the biggest labias. If so, I bet that lady smells really bad. Especially between the labias. When really fat people come to the hospital, they can't reach to wipe themselves. So, Really fat people with huge gina's probably smell like a tuna factory on an especially hot humid day in alabama. Okay, that's gross. Changing the subject.
I got a bunch of phone calls today. Really random ones, and a bunch of messages. I thought I was really popular until I realized the only people that called me were:
-the cardiologist (2x)
-crazy old boyfriend leaving a threat message
-the blood bank lady
pbbbbbbbbb....... I also saw this girl I haven't seen from high school. which was also really really awkward and long.
Then I went to work because I thought I was supposed to work, but when I got there I realized I looked at the wrong day on the schedule and was actually off. That's the 2nd time that's happened. Idiot. So I went to starbucks to study some ACLS. Which I desperately needed to do. After studying that I went to target to pick up some cards for people. I would tell you what the cards said, but the people that are getting them are probably reading this, and then it would spoil the surprise. I did, however, get one for the cardiologist. He went to a lot of extra work calling this place a bunch of times to get my heart readings and crap, and spent about half an hour in the room with me, and then called my phone to update me on what was going on. In summary, he just did a bunch of nice things.
I was going to get him a thank you card, but I hate getting thank you cards. As this one guy says, What the hell do you write on the inside? (see front?) So I ended up getting a holiday greetings card thing and just writing thank you in that. I thought it would be funny to put some jokes on the card like , 'the worst time to have a heart attack is probably during a game of charades.. or a game of fake heart attack, followed by naps' I didn't do that though. I thought he would get creeped out.
The point of all this is that today I realized my true calling in life. I need to write greeting cards. That would be amazing. There should be greeting cards for every occassion. Wouldn't it be cool if you needed to break up with someone and all you had to do was go to the store and pick up a 'we need to break up ' card. It could be funny too. It could have a picture of a really fat guy and a little coat and just say, 'we just don't fit together.' Then there could be hate cards. Like a card that on the front says. 'I hate you.' and on the inside it just says, 'seriously. '
Or cards for a new haircut, ' The front could have some attractive person on it and the inside could say. 'Nice haircut. You look like a new person. I mean, not that you were ugly before. ...'
Or just cards that are just weird. You could put a mirror on the front of the card, and on the inside it could say. here comes a winner. I'm looking forward to my new career. Awesome
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
mr. moe
so much for confidentiality. REally screwed that up right away, you know, with the title. I also had a patient today. Mr Wiener. Not kidding. It was his real name. His first name was terrible too, something like cyril or cyvil. Worse yet, his name matched his personality pretty well. But back to mr moe. He had come in the night before with CHF exacerbation. Which basically means there is a bunch of fluid in your lungs that needs to come out. This guy is a little bit inappropriate. For a reason unbeknown to me, when people come into the hospital, they no longer have to:
1. Do anything for themselves. The patient no longer can change the channel on the tv with the remote, or even hold a glass up to drink out of. ( This includes everyone, family members etc. Such as, if the patient states they are 'too warm' and there is family in the room, the family will come and get you and tell you they are too warm. That way you can walk down the hallway and take one of their blankets off. )
2. Have any social tact. Whatsoever. If you feel like talking to me about how your daughter's husband is a worthless terd and his parents' should have raised a pig instead of him, because at least they could have had something to eat out of it.' Or, about how stretched out your 2nd wife's vagina was. Anything goes at St. Joes.
The patient I had, Mr moe, wasn't so bad with number one.... so you can guess what kind of a person he was. Usually the social tact somehow ends up getting into sexual conversation. This guy was 87, and used to be a trucker. Every time I came into the room he had a new comment about someone, or some joke that I didn't understand and laughed about anyways, a comment about his own wang, someone else's wang, and usually threw the same 4 jokes around casually. Of course, he didnt' remember that he had already told me these jokes. When people get that old it's kind of like their brain decides they can only say 40 different sentences. So they just randomly choose from their sentence bank and say whatever that sentence is. Even if it has no relevance to the situation at all. Such as this comment.
'Did that tylenol help your back pain?"
'No. That didn't do shit."
'Well, would you like to try something else for it?"
"You know what would really help my back right now... sex"
Right.... did you seriously just say that? Because it's hilarious. I dont' even care to tell you that it's inappropriate because it's hilarious. Who says that? I can just imagine some business people at work.
'Gosh dave, you really look tired today."
'yeah, I am, I just really need some sex right now.'
Or, some people at dinner.
"Do you like peas Jean? Or would you rather have some broccoli?"
"You know what I need right now.. SEx."
I mean, it's a pretty common thing to say ... to someone you dont' know at all.. but hey. It's the hospital, so its' now a.o.k. that you said that.
I came into his room about a half hour later and that's when he was asking me if i've ever heard of 'flavored tampons' Um.. no. I haven't. I really can't think of a use for flavored tampons. Did you mean flavored condoms.?
'no. I'm Mr. Kotex. I'm talking about flavored tampons.'
Okay. so when are you supposed to taste them? After you bleed all over them.. or before? Because really, I'm confused and would like to know. I mean, all these years have gone by, and I've just been wasting them by using regular tampons.
He said a bunch of other stuff, but I only remembered those two. It's funny how I remember that stuff, but I don't remember what their lungs sounded like. Whatever. Probably crackles.
I also had another patient who was insane, but this guy had alzheimers. People with alzheimers are pretty cool... unless they have what I like to call 'angry alzheimers.' The people who aren't pleasently confused. The are pissed and confused. I was lucky enough to have an angry alzheimers. Which wouldn't be so bad if I could just let him wander around and do whatever the hell he wanted to do. But he wasn't just angry, he also was very unstable. Which is a bad combination. So every time he leans to the side or falls, (which happened once.. i'm a bad nurse. ) he swears a whole bunch. Then bangs his walker into the ground. This guy has a pretty ridiculous face. If Jack frost was an old man, and could have a face, it would have been his. His hair was all fluffly/curly but shorter, and he was half bald. and also had a beard and a mustashe and the rest of his face was slightly hairly anyways. His eyebrows were also large and his eyes seemed too small for his face and were really light blue. He was also really pale. So basically it looked like he was really cold, angry, and had grown a large beard to shield his from the north wind. Even though he lives in a home and is never outside. That's just what I thought of him.
there were only 2 things that made him content enough not to swear or hit anyone. Those two things are walking and eating ice cream. So what do I do? i walk him 5 times. (loonng walks) and feed him 6 different things of ice cream. Everyone kept asking what the heck I did to him because he was being so quiet. It's because he's eating. Whatever, if he dies of a heart attack before the alzheimers get him, it'll probably be good. Or just throw a lipitor into his pile of pills to lower his cholesterol. I'm a super compassionate nurse. and person.
After working with so many alzheimers patients I thought of a sweet home where they could live. So many people like to just wander around, they could hook them up to vests and put them on tie outs. either outside, or in the hallways. the tie-outs could have special sensors so when they start falling the cord stays tight so they just are standing and swinging around being held up by the tie out. Then people could have bed alarms that dont' ring, they talk and say. Hello ____, you are in the hospital, or whatever nursing home because you have an infection. etc.. Please stay seated and a nurse will be with you shortly. I should probably stop writing this down and start building my own nursing home. And it won't have a stupid name like, sunset ridge, or whispering pines, or some other tree/nature name. It will be called something cool like 'You Wish you lived here" Or "This place is tight" Either would be prime. Bye!
1. Do anything for themselves. The patient no longer can change the channel on the tv with the remote, or even hold a glass up to drink out of. ( This includes everyone, family members etc. Such as, if the patient states they are 'too warm' and there is family in the room, the family will come and get you and tell you they are too warm. That way you can walk down the hallway and take one of their blankets off. )
2. Have any social tact. Whatsoever. If you feel like talking to me about how your daughter's husband is a worthless terd and his parents' should have raised a pig instead of him, because at least they could have had something to eat out of it.' Or, about how stretched out your 2nd wife's vagina was. Anything goes at St. Joes.
The patient I had, Mr moe, wasn't so bad with number one.... so you can guess what kind of a person he was. Usually the social tact somehow ends up getting into sexual conversation. This guy was 87, and used to be a trucker. Every time I came into the room he had a new comment about someone, or some joke that I didn't understand and laughed about anyways, a comment about his own wang, someone else's wang, and usually threw the same 4 jokes around casually. Of course, he didnt' remember that he had already told me these jokes. When people get that old it's kind of like their brain decides they can only say 40 different sentences. So they just randomly choose from their sentence bank and say whatever that sentence is. Even if it has no relevance to the situation at all. Such as this comment.
'Did that tylenol help your back pain?"
'No. That didn't do shit."
'Well, would you like to try something else for it?"
"You know what would really help my back right now... sex"
Right.... did you seriously just say that? Because it's hilarious. I dont' even care to tell you that it's inappropriate because it's hilarious. Who says that? I can just imagine some business people at work.
'Gosh dave, you really look tired today."
'yeah, I am, I just really need some sex right now.'
Or, some people at dinner.
"Do you like peas Jean? Or would you rather have some broccoli?"
"You know what I need right now.. SEx."
I mean, it's a pretty common thing to say ... to someone you dont' know at all.. but hey. It's the hospital, so its' now a.o.k. that you said that.
I came into his room about a half hour later and that's when he was asking me if i've ever heard of 'flavored tampons' Um.. no. I haven't. I really can't think of a use for flavored tampons. Did you mean flavored condoms.?
'no. I'm Mr. Kotex. I'm talking about flavored tampons.'
Okay. so when are you supposed to taste them? After you bleed all over them.. or before? Because really, I'm confused and would like to know. I mean, all these years have gone by, and I've just been wasting them by using regular tampons.
He said a bunch of other stuff, but I only remembered those two. It's funny how I remember that stuff, but I don't remember what their lungs sounded like. Whatever. Probably crackles.
I also had another patient who was insane, but this guy had alzheimers. People with alzheimers are pretty cool... unless they have what I like to call 'angry alzheimers.' The people who aren't pleasently confused. The are pissed and confused. I was lucky enough to have an angry alzheimers. Which wouldn't be so bad if I could just let him wander around and do whatever the hell he wanted to do. But he wasn't just angry, he also was very unstable. Which is a bad combination. So every time he leans to the side or falls, (which happened once.. i'm a bad nurse. ) he swears a whole bunch. Then bangs his walker into the ground. This guy has a pretty ridiculous face. If Jack frost was an old man, and could have a face, it would have been his. His hair was all fluffly/curly but shorter, and he was half bald. and also had a beard and a mustashe and the rest of his face was slightly hairly anyways. His eyebrows were also large and his eyes seemed too small for his face and were really light blue. He was also really pale. So basically it looked like he was really cold, angry, and had grown a large beard to shield his from the north wind. Even though he lives in a home and is never outside. That's just what I thought of him.
there were only 2 things that made him content enough not to swear or hit anyone. Those two things are walking and eating ice cream. So what do I do? i walk him 5 times. (loonng walks) and feed him 6 different things of ice cream. Everyone kept asking what the heck I did to him because he was being so quiet. It's because he's eating. Whatever, if he dies of a heart attack before the alzheimers get him, it'll probably be good. Or just throw a lipitor into his pile of pills to lower his cholesterol. I'm a super compassionate nurse. and person.
After working with so many alzheimers patients I thought of a sweet home where they could live. So many people like to just wander around, they could hook them up to vests and put them on tie outs. either outside, or in the hallways. the tie-outs could have special sensors so when they start falling the cord stays tight so they just are standing and swinging around being held up by the tie out. Then people could have bed alarms that dont' ring, they talk and say. Hello ____, you are in the hospital, or whatever nursing home because you have an infection. etc.. Please stay seated and a nurse will be with you shortly. I should probably stop writing this down and start building my own nursing home. And it won't have a stupid name like, sunset ridge, or whispering pines, or some other tree/nature name. It will be called something cool like 'You Wish you lived here" Or "This place is tight" Either would be prime. Bye!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I suck
That's exactly what my dishwasher should be saying right now. Because it does. You know, I never have in my life ever seen a good dishwasher. I used mine for the first time today, I put a good amount of soap in and put it on the heavy duty setting. An hour later I went to go take the dishes out and half of them weren't clean. what a pile. The only way the dishes do get clean, is if first, you wash them off yourself and them put them in. By the time you actually put them in the dishwasher they are pretty much clean. If you just spent the extra 7 seconds washing the dish, there would be no reason to load or unload the dishwasher.
At first, I thought dishwashers would work pretty well. I thought they worked like washing machines. Put the dishes in, shut it, and it fills with water and soap and swirls it around till they're clean, then empties the dirty water, then re-fills with nice rinsing water to rinse. Then last year, my roomate Becca opened the dishwasher in the middle of the cycle. I was all like, 'STOPP!!' but then after she opened it and took out the bowl she wanted and shut the door ( and stopped laughing..) I realized the dishwasher does not actually fill with water. Becca informed me it just sprays the dishes with water.
That's it? It sprays the dishes with water? Where's the friction? How do they get clean? is this a joke!?
In other words, the dishwasher does nothing. People just think it does something because it squirts around really hot water and when they open the door all this steam comes out, so by default they must think the dishes are clean. Wrong. I was real pissed when I emptied mine, then re-washed half of the dishes because the looked exactly the same as when I put them in.
If people bought plastic dishes, they could just put them in the tub and fill the tub with soapy water and then just get a stick and stir them around for a while. Then turn the shower part on and rinse them off. Genius. that is much more effective. Or, if you had plastic dishes you could put them in the washing machine. That would also work much better. What if washing machines were like dish washers? You put your clothes in, and they just get sprayed with hot water? We'd all be walking around with crap dried to our clothes.
Worse yet, what if car washes worked like dishwashers? You pay 8 dollars to have some hot water sprayed on your car. Then streaks are left on the windows when you're done. (Unless you pay the extra money for the whatever it is you pay for to make your glass have no streaks..) We all know what that would be. Shitty. Which is exactly what dishwashers are.
Just thought I'd write about this particular topic, being I was pretty pissed when I opened mine and saw the results. It doesn't even get a satisfactory rating. Boooo.
At first, I thought dishwashers would work pretty well. I thought they worked like washing machines. Put the dishes in, shut it, and it fills with water and soap and swirls it around till they're clean, then empties the dirty water, then re-fills with nice rinsing water to rinse. Then last year, my roomate Becca opened the dishwasher in the middle of the cycle. I was all like, 'STOPP!!' but then after she opened it and took out the bowl she wanted and shut the door ( and stopped laughing..) I realized the dishwasher does not actually fill with water. Becca informed me it just sprays the dishes with water.
That's it? It sprays the dishes with water? Where's the friction? How do they get clean? is this a joke!?
In other words, the dishwasher does nothing. People just think it does something because it squirts around really hot water and when they open the door all this steam comes out, so by default they must think the dishes are clean. Wrong. I was real pissed when I emptied mine, then re-washed half of the dishes because the looked exactly the same as when I put them in.
If people bought plastic dishes, they could just put them in the tub and fill the tub with soapy water and then just get a stick and stir them around for a while. Then turn the shower part on and rinse them off. Genius. that is much more effective. Or, if you had plastic dishes you could put them in the washing machine. That would also work much better. What if washing machines were like dish washers? You put your clothes in, and they just get sprayed with hot water? We'd all be walking around with crap dried to our clothes.
Worse yet, what if car washes worked like dishwashers? You pay 8 dollars to have some hot water sprayed on your car. Then streaks are left on the windows when you're done. (Unless you pay the extra money for the whatever it is you pay for to make your glass have no streaks..) We all know what that would be. Shitty. Which is exactly what dishwashers are.
Just thought I'd write about this particular topic, being I was pretty pissed when I opened mine and saw the results. It doesn't even get a satisfactory rating. Boooo.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
two days till sarah's birthday, oops i mean three.
what day is it? Anyways, it is in a couple of days, just so you all know. I'm sure she'd appreciate some sweet gifts, like a stethoscope.. or some doctor equipment, or you know, some food. All good ideas. i'd pat myself on the back but then i'd have to lean forward off the couch and try to do it. bad plan.
Anywho, I've been going to this fitness center, it's basically a pile. There are 3 ellipticals, and they aren't even Real ellipticals. they are like the cheap crap imitation ellipticals. then there were 4 treadmills, now there are three because one is 'out of order'. They left a long note on the out of order one. Something like this: "This machine is out of order. It is not a possibility to buy a new one at this time. It is proven that a 'full body' workout is the most effective way to lose weight and stay in shape. Maybe this is a good time for you to change your routine!'
um... what? I'm pretty sure 'out of order' would have done just fine. Then I just got angry. Full body workout? What are you talking about? All you have is these three ellipticals. Change my routine? You change your routine, asshole. Out of order would have worked much better. Or they could just have slipped the machine out the door overnight. Then someone would ask, 'wasn't there another treadmill here? " -um, no... I think you were imagining that.
oh yes, I forgot, there are a bunch of lifting/weight equipment crap in there too. Which is really distracting, because I'll be trying to run, or 'elliptical' and there will be some guy who lifts a weight 8 inches and makes this ridiculously loud groaning noise. Is that really necessary? If it's that heavy that you have to groan, why don't you just switch to a smaller weight? Here, let me just take that large one and give you this 5 pound one. Much easier. When I was in there last night there was just one other guy there... groany mc groanerson. He was around my age I guess, Which when I say that I mean somewhere between 18 and 35, because I can't tell ages.
I don't know why guys have to be so loud to get attention. Like when I'm running and they drive past in their car they rev their engine. I guess in their mind this is what i should think: oooooo.... you have a sweet engine, it's really loud, can i date you? Because that would be amazing, then we could drive around in your car and eat cheetos and rev the engine. Yeessssss.
That I don't mind so much, as long as they have a muffler. It's much worse in the gym. I was on the elliptical. I had made a poor choice, choosing the elliptical right next to the drinking fountain. So this guy would go and lift a weight and make a ridiculously loud groaning noise then make a trip to the drinking fountain. I mean, I can understand, people get thirsty, probably want some water.. but really... after every time you lift a weight? Then he stands 5 feet in front of me and takes his sweatshirt off to reveal... a ginormous blue jersey!! Then he stretches his arms out and turns around and gives me this little nod. Cool. . .Please don't talk to me. But he left to go lift up something else. golden.
The gym is a pile.. until I went downstairs to find.. A DANCING ROOM!!! amazing. no one is ever in it, you know, except from now on it will be me . all the time. Dancing. It will be awkward when people look in and think... mmm. what is that girl doing in there by herself? but hey, it's okay, it's brainerd. People can think i'm weird because i'll move away in 9 months and never see them again. well, hopefully.
i also noticed something really weird today. I think I have too much time to think about things, but the latest random thing I've noticed is how my poop smells. I'm not realizing for the first time that my shit stinks, I'm saying that I notice the particular different smells of the poo that i poo. It could be because I smell several different kinds of peoples poo weekly and have gotten to know the different smells fairly well. Today when I poo'd i thought, wow, that really smells like that one guys poo that used to be in room 3020 with the pacemaker. Or, woah, that is strikingly similar to the poo smell of what's her face who had the amputated leg. I don't think I ever really payed much attention to the smell of poo until I started smelling more often. Sometimes you can even smell a trace of what you ate in your poo. For example, I have noticed that when I eat pizza.. my poo smells faintly of pizza.
One of my coworkers says that when she drinks a lot of coffee her coffee smells like pee. i don't think that's true at all. I have never noticed a difference. Possibly because I drink coffee all the time, so my pee continuously smells like coffee. So many things to think about. Well, I better get back to watching my latest movie. (dodgeball.... amazing.) One of my most favorite parts is when he says: 'we should date, you know, like go out'
(gagging noise..)
-was that a yes?
no actually, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
-you know, in some cultures they only eat vomit. I mean, I've never been there, but i've read about it.. .. in a book!
or when he says. ' here at globo gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, much like baldness, or necrophiliacs.'
or: hello kate, I didn't realize I was paying you to socialize
- you aren't, i'm off the clock
Well, isn't that convenient for you. and the clock.
I mean, that's just a few things that are said, basically every other sentence is hilarious. Otherwise it wouldnt' keep my attention. Okkaaayy.. that's all bye!
Anywho, I've been going to this fitness center, it's basically a pile. There are 3 ellipticals, and they aren't even Real ellipticals. they are like the cheap crap imitation ellipticals. then there were 4 treadmills, now there are three because one is 'out of order'. They left a long note on the out of order one. Something like this: "This machine is out of order. It is not a possibility to buy a new one at this time. It is proven that a 'full body' workout is the most effective way to lose weight and stay in shape. Maybe this is a good time for you to change your routine!'
um... what? I'm pretty sure 'out of order' would have done just fine. Then I just got angry. Full body workout? What are you talking about? All you have is these three ellipticals. Change my routine? You change your routine, asshole. Out of order would have worked much better. Or they could just have slipped the machine out the door overnight. Then someone would ask, 'wasn't there another treadmill here? " -um, no... I think you were imagining that.
oh yes, I forgot, there are a bunch of lifting/weight equipment crap in there too. Which is really distracting, because I'll be trying to run, or 'elliptical' and there will be some guy who lifts a weight 8 inches and makes this ridiculously loud groaning noise. Is that really necessary? If it's that heavy that you have to groan, why don't you just switch to a smaller weight? Here, let me just take that large one and give you this 5 pound one. Much easier. When I was in there last night there was just one other guy there... groany mc groanerson. He was around my age I guess, Which when I say that I mean somewhere between 18 and 35, because I can't tell ages.
I don't know why guys have to be so loud to get attention. Like when I'm running and they drive past in their car they rev their engine. I guess in their mind this is what i should think: oooooo.... you have a sweet engine, it's really loud, can i date you? Because that would be amazing, then we could drive around in your car and eat cheetos and rev the engine. Yeessssss.
That I don't mind so much, as long as they have a muffler. It's much worse in the gym. I was on the elliptical. I had made a poor choice, choosing the elliptical right next to the drinking fountain. So this guy would go and lift a weight and make a ridiculously loud groaning noise then make a trip to the drinking fountain. I mean, I can understand, people get thirsty, probably want some water.. but really... after every time you lift a weight? Then he stands 5 feet in front of me and takes his sweatshirt off to reveal... a ginormous blue jersey!! Then he stretches his arms out and turns around and gives me this little nod. Cool. . .Please don't talk to me. But he left to go lift up something else. golden.
The gym is a pile.. until I went downstairs to find.. A DANCING ROOM!!! amazing. no one is ever in it, you know, except from now on it will be me . all the time. Dancing. It will be awkward when people look in and think... mmm. what is that girl doing in there by herself? but hey, it's okay, it's brainerd. People can think i'm weird because i'll move away in 9 months and never see them again. well, hopefully.
i also noticed something really weird today. I think I have too much time to think about things, but the latest random thing I've noticed is how my poop smells. I'm not realizing for the first time that my shit stinks, I'm saying that I notice the particular different smells of the poo that i poo. It could be because I smell several different kinds of peoples poo weekly and have gotten to know the different smells fairly well. Today when I poo'd i thought, wow, that really smells like that one guys poo that used to be in room 3020 with the pacemaker. Or, woah, that is strikingly similar to the poo smell of what's her face who had the amputated leg. I don't think I ever really payed much attention to the smell of poo until I started smelling more often. Sometimes you can even smell a trace of what you ate in your poo. For example, I have noticed that when I eat pizza.. my poo smells faintly of pizza.
One of my coworkers says that when she drinks a lot of coffee her coffee smells like pee. i don't think that's true at all. I have never noticed a difference. Possibly because I drink coffee all the time, so my pee continuously smells like coffee. So many things to think about. Well, I better get back to watching my latest movie. (dodgeball.... amazing.) One of my most favorite parts is when he says: 'we should date, you know, like go out'
(gagging noise..)
-was that a yes?
no actually, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
-you know, in some cultures they only eat vomit. I mean, I've never been there, but i've read about it.. .. in a book!
or when he says. ' here at globo gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, much like baldness, or necrophiliacs.'
or: hello kate, I didn't realize I was paying you to socialize
- you aren't, i'm off the clock
Well, isn't that convenient for you. and the clock.
I mean, that's just a few things that are said, basically every other sentence is hilarious. Otherwise it wouldnt' keep my attention. Okkaaayy.. that's all bye!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
past couple weeks
The past couple weeks have been...pretty okay. I guess just average. I'll just make a list of the stuff that happened.
1. Apparently, my heart races sometimes for no apparent reason, and it's not my thyroid, they checked that. Anywho, I have to wear this super fashionable event monitor. It's not too bad, but there is a record button that you have to push anytime you can tell your heart is beating really fast. I think I have only pushed the button one time that that has happened, otherwise I have recorded about 29 times by accident. Seriously, the record button on this things is the size of a 50 cent piece. It's ginormous. Even if I hit it with my arm by accident, it records, or when i accidentally walk into desks, or walls, or patients, it records. then after it records it makes this awful beeping noise. Patients and or co-workers look at me and are like, .... are you beeping? Yes actually, I am beeping. I have a bomb in my pocket and it's going to explode at any second. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret..
2. Another dissapointment. I decided to try a velveeta macaroni and cheese packet thing. Everyone says they are so good. THEY LIE. It tastes like you cooked some noodles, and then squirted cheez-whiz on them. Then waited until the cheeze whiz melted a little. Delicious? mm.. nope. I'll stick with the kraft macaroni and cheese. That stuff is like 50 cents a box, instead of 1.50. what a waste of a dollar. Although, I ate it anyway, because I'm chubby.
3. The other night I sat on a suturing scissors. It was at one point sitting on top of the couch cushion, but somehow, it sneakily made it's way into the between the cushions part, where it stood straight up. I decided to sit on the couch that night and that's when it drove itself into my right buttcheeck/upper thigh, probably only 3-4 inches. I happened to be talking on the phone at the time, ( you know, just to make the situation a little more awkward.) I thought I had sat down on a fork, and it had embedded itself in, but after I felt around I could feel the two holes on the end of the scissors. damn. It was hard to tell, because you can't really see your own butt. Then I thought about what they teach you, you know, not to pull anything out yourself, and let the doctor do it. I thought about that for awhile, ( and when i say a while i really mean a few seconds, although it did seem like a long time when i was leaning there on the couch trying to figure out a good angle to pull it out at.) then I pulled it out myself, which was also kind of difficult because it was a curved scissors, and I had no idea which way it was curving, once again, because I couldn't see it.
After that happened and I was sitting on a towel and cold pack trying to stop the bleeding, I thought about what really fat people do. I bet some of those 800 pound people have stuff embedded waay into their ass. Or even just stuffed under their folds. Like if they lift up their omentum fold their cell phone would probably fall out. Like, Gosh, I was looking for that! You could be really sneaky if you were that fat. Like going to the movie theatre, you could stick a bunch of snacks inside your fat rolls. Then just pull them out during the movie and save yourself some money. I guess if you were that fat you probably couldn't go to the movies unless you sat on the stair case, which also might be comfortable being you are very well cushioned. Rolling down hills might be really fun if you were that fat too. you can't really feel that well through all the fat, there isn't as many nerve endings, so if there were lots of rocks and stuff it wouldn't matter. Although, they might get embedded in there, which is also dangerous. Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong. I'm thinking about it like you are wearing a giant marshmallow suit. but in most ways, that's a pretty accurate way of seeing it... maybe...???
A couple other things happened this week.. I don't really remember them, but they were probably cool. If you're bored, you should probably do one of these things:
1. Eat some lower sugar apples and cinnamon oatmeal. It's flippin delicious. you can also add more cinnamon if you like, being cinnamon helps you lose weight. I was thinking of writing the quaker oat people a thank you letter for making such delicious lower sugar apple cinnamon oatmeal, but they probably wouldn't understand it. it's probably a bunch of mexican slave workers who can't understand english in a factory making oatmeal. So I decided against the letter.
2. Watch elf. It's amazing. Real good. the best part is when he goes into new york and gets hit by a taxi by accident.
3.I have also been watchin a lot of 'ghetto dance movies.' You know, they all have the same plot. Excuse me, same Great plot. Usually something like this, there is a 'pristine' girl, usually into ballet or some other kind of dance, and then this other ghetto troublemaker worthless guy who likes the girl and happens to be really good at hip hop/ghetto dancing. Also, usually that pristine girl's mother and or father is mentioned as 'dead' within the past 4-7 years, and somebody's brother and/or some charachter who is in the movie, but isn't really that important or in one of the main roles, gets shot. (that's when the ghetto guy comes to an understanding of his ghetto life, and that he needs to make something out of himself.) So him and the pristine girl combine their dancing powers and win the competition/show/getting into the 'dance company' or whatever the goal is. they are pretty reliable plots, but for some reason, I like watching them. Maybe while eating some apple cinnamon oatmeal.
That is basically an overview of the past week/s. Hope you are all enjoying your day! bye!
1. Apparently, my heart races sometimes for no apparent reason, and it's not my thyroid, they checked that. Anywho, I have to wear this super fashionable event monitor. It's not too bad, but there is a record button that you have to push anytime you can tell your heart is beating really fast. I think I have only pushed the button one time that that has happened, otherwise I have recorded about 29 times by accident. Seriously, the record button on this things is the size of a 50 cent piece. It's ginormous. Even if I hit it with my arm by accident, it records, or when i accidentally walk into desks, or walls, or patients, it records. then after it records it makes this awful beeping noise. Patients and or co-workers look at me and are like, .... are you beeping? Yes actually, I am beeping. I have a bomb in my pocket and it's going to explode at any second. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret..
2. Another dissapointment. I decided to try a velveeta macaroni and cheese packet thing. Everyone says they are so good. THEY LIE. It tastes like you cooked some noodles, and then squirted cheez-whiz on them. Then waited until the cheeze whiz melted a little. Delicious? mm.. nope. I'll stick with the kraft macaroni and cheese. That stuff is like 50 cents a box, instead of 1.50. what a waste of a dollar. Although, I ate it anyway, because I'm chubby.
3. The other night I sat on a suturing scissors. It was at one point sitting on top of the couch cushion, but somehow, it sneakily made it's way into the between the cushions part, where it stood straight up. I decided to sit on the couch that night and that's when it drove itself into my right buttcheeck/upper thigh, probably only 3-4 inches. I happened to be talking on the phone at the time, ( you know, just to make the situation a little more awkward.) I thought I had sat down on a fork, and it had embedded itself in, but after I felt around I could feel the two holes on the end of the scissors. damn. It was hard to tell, because you can't really see your own butt. Then I thought about what they teach you, you know, not to pull anything out yourself, and let the doctor do it. I thought about that for awhile, ( and when i say a while i really mean a few seconds, although it did seem like a long time when i was leaning there on the couch trying to figure out a good angle to pull it out at.) then I pulled it out myself, which was also kind of difficult because it was a curved scissors, and I had no idea which way it was curving, once again, because I couldn't see it.
After that happened and I was sitting on a towel and cold pack trying to stop the bleeding, I thought about what really fat people do. I bet some of those 800 pound people have stuff embedded waay into their ass. Or even just stuffed under their folds. Like if they lift up their omentum fold their cell phone would probably fall out. Like, Gosh, I was looking for that! You could be really sneaky if you were that fat. Like going to the movie theatre, you could stick a bunch of snacks inside your fat rolls. Then just pull them out during the movie and save yourself some money. I guess if you were that fat you probably couldn't go to the movies unless you sat on the stair case, which also might be comfortable being you are very well cushioned. Rolling down hills might be really fun if you were that fat too. you can't really feel that well through all the fat, there isn't as many nerve endings, so if there were lots of rocks and stuff it wouldn't matter. Although, they might get embedded in there, which is also dangerous. Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong. I'm thinking about it like you are wearing a giant marshmallow suit. but in most ways, that's a pretty accurate way of seeing it... maybe...???
A couple other things happened this week.. I don't really remember them, but they were probably cool. If you're bored, you should probably do one of these things:
1. Eat some lower sugar apples and cinnamon oatmeal. It's flippin delicious. you can also add more cinnamon if you like, being cinnamon helps you lose weight. I was thinking of writing the quaker oat people a thank you letter for making such delicious lower sugar apple cinnamon oatmeal, but they probably wouldn't understand it. it's probably a bunch of mexican slave workers who can't understand english in a factory making oatmeal. So I decided against the letter.
2. Watch elf. It's amazing. Real good. the best part is when he goes into new york and gets hit by a taxi by accident.
3.I have also been watchin a lot of 'ghetto dance movies.' You know, they all have the same plot. Excuse me, same Great plot. Usually something like this, there is a 'pristine' girl, usually into ballet or some other kind of dance, and then this other ghetto troublemaker worthless guy who likes the girl and happens to be really good at hip hop/ghetto dancing. Also, usually that pristine girl's mother and or father is mentioned as 'dead' within the past 4-7 years, and somebody's brother and/or some charachter who is in the movie, but isn't really that important or in one of the main roles, gets shot. (that's when the ghetto guy comes to an understanding of his ghetto life, and that he needs to make something out of himself.) So him and the pristine girl combine their dancing powers and win the competition/show/getting into the 'dance company' or whatever the goal is. they are pretty reliable plots, but for some reason, I like watching them. Maybe while eating some apple cinnamon oatmeal.
That is basically an overview of the past week/s. Hope you are all enjoying your day! bye!
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