mr. moe

so much for confidentiality. REally screwed that up right away, you know, with the title. I also had a patient today. Mr Wiener. Not kidding. It was his real name. His first name was terrible too, something like cyril or cyvil. Worse yet, his name matched his personality pretty well. But back to mr moe. He had come in the night before with CHF exacerbation. Which basically means there is a bunch of fluid in your lungs that needs to come out. This guy is a little bit inappropriate. For a reason unbeknown to me, when people come into the hospital, they no longer have to:
1. Do anything for themselves. The patient no longer can change the channel on the tv with the remote, or even hold a glass up to drink out of. ( This includes everyone, family members etc. Such as, if the patient states they are 'too warm' and there is family in the room, the family will come and get you and tell you they are too warm. That way you can walk down the hallway and take one of their blankets off. )

2. Have any social tact. Whatsoever. If you feel like talking to me about how your daughter's husband is a worthless terd and his parents' should have raised a pig instead of him, because at least they could have had something to eat out of it.' Or, about how stretched out your 2nd wife's vagina was. Anything goes at St. Joes.

The patient I had, Mr moe, wasn't so bad with number one.... so you can guess what kind of a person he was. Usually the social tact somehow ends up getting into sexual conversation. This guy was 87, and used to be a trucker. Every time I came into the room he had a new comment about someone, or some joke that I didn't understand and laughed about anyways, a comment about his own wang, someone else's wang, and usually threw the same 4 jokes around casually. Of course, he didnt' remember that he had already told me these jokes. When people get that old it's kind of like their brain decides they can only say 40 different sentences. So they just randomly choose from their sentence bank and say whatever that sentence is. Even if it has no relevance to the situation at all. Such as this comment.
'Did that tylenol help your back pain?"
'No. That didn't do shit."
'Well, would you like to try something else for it?"
"You know what would really help my back right now... sex"

Right.... did you seriously just say that? Because it's hilarious. I dont' even care to tell you that it's inappropriate because it's hilarious. Who says that? I can just imagine some business people at work.
'Gosh dave, you really look tired today."
'yeah, I am, I just really need some sex right now.'

Or, some people at dinner.

"Do you like peas Jean? Or would you rather have some broccoli?"
"You know what I need right now.. SEx."

I mean, it's a pretty common thing to say ... to someone you dont' know at all.. but hey. It's the hospital, so its' now a.o.k. that you said that.

I came into his room about a half hour later and that's when he was asking me if i've ever heard of 'flavored tampons' Um.. no. I haven't. I really can't think of a use for flavored tampons. Did you mean flavored condoms.?
'no. I'm Mr. Kotex. I'm talking about flavored tampons.'

Okay. so when are you supposed to taste them? After you bleed all over them.. or before? Because really, I'm confused and would like to know. I mean, all these years have gone by, and I've just been wasting them by using regular tampons.

He said a bunch of other stuff, but I only remembered those two. It's funny how I remember that stuff, but I don't remember what their lungs sounded like. Whatever. Probably crackles.
I also had another patient who was insane, but this guy had alzheimers. People with alzheimers are pretty cool... unless they have what I like to call 'angry alzheimers.' The people who aren't pleasently confused. The are pissed and confused. I was lucky enough to have an angry alzheimers. Which wouldn't be so bad if I could just let him wander around and do whatever the hell he wanted to do. But he wasn't just angry, he also was very unstable. Which is a bad combination. So every time he leans to the side or falls, (which happened once.. i'm a bad nurse. ) he swears a whole bunch. Then bangs his walker into the ground. This guy has a pretty ridiculous face. If Jack frost was an old man, and could have a face, it would have been his. His hair was all fluffly/curly but shorter, and he was half bald. and also had a beard and a mustashe and the rest of his face was slightly hairly anyways. His eyebrows were also large and his eyes seemed too small for his face and were really light blue. He was also really pale. So basically it looked like he was really cold, angry, and had grown a large beard to shield his from the north wind. Even though he lives in a home and is never outside. That's just what I thought of him.
there were only 2 things that made him content enough not to swear or hit anyone. Those two things are walking and eating ice cream. So what do I do? i walk him 5 times. (loonng walks) and feed him 6 different things of ice cream. Everyone kept asking what the heck I did to him because he was being so quiet. It's because he's eating. Whatever, if he dies of a heart attack before the alzheimers get him, it'll probably be good. Or just throw a lipitor into his pile of pills to lower his cholesterol. I'm a super compassionate nurse. and person.

After working with so many alzheimers patients I thought of a sweet home where they could live. So many people like to just wander around, they could hook them up to vests and put them on tie outs. either outside, or in the hallways. the tie-outs could have special sensors so when they start falling the cord stays tight so they just are standing and swinging around being held up by the tie out. Then people could have bed alarms that dont' ring, they talk and say. Hello ____, you are in the hospital, or whatever nursing home because you have an infection. etc.. Please stay seated and a nurse will be with you shortly. I should probably stop writing this down and start building my own nursing home. And it won't have a stupid name like, sunset ridge, or whispering pines, or some other tree/nature name. It will be called something cool like 'You Wish you lived here" Or "This place is tight" Either would be prime. Bye!