awkward things

Shit. That's all I have to say about today. Shit. Shit shit double shit. However, I did get a new phone, which was nice, being my other one was three years old and broken in half. But dont' let that good news fool you..
So, After I got my little pink phone, I was sitting and reading a book minding my own business. Then my phone rang. Instead of letting the message machine get it, which is what i SHOULD have done, I answered it. It was the ward clerk from the hospital. However, she had nothing to say about work. She was at work yesterday, as was I, and she thought it would be cool if I met her brother in law. 'Sure, whatever.' Is what I said. Thinking you know, nothing would ever happen. Poor choice. She calls my phone.. while he is sitting next to her. Her just calling would have been weird enough. Especially because she's 38, and the reason she was calling me is because she couldnt' find me on myspace. Is this happening? Are you serious?
'Yeah, we wanted to find you on myspace, that way you would know what Jason looks like.'

-Umm.... yeah.. Who's jason?
'He's my brother in law, remember? I told you about him? '
-Oh yes. Him.

At this point all I could remember were these things
1. he's 33.
2. He brought this girl a bag of chickens. Not edible chickens.. stuffed chickens.
3. Marney, (this lady I work withs' name) asked me 'If I liked the huskier build.'

Okay. These are not attractive things. People take note of this. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are on the phone with the person at the time, and they ask if you want to go out to dinner with them? I wanted to Say, actually, I think meeting your brother in law would be a very poor choice, and he sounds extremely un-attractive, and right now, I think I might throw up. Right here on my living room floor. It's sliding up my throat. Excuse me..

that probably wouldnt' work.

Second of all, since when is this 3rd grade? If someone wants to date you, THEY ask you. They dont' go up to one of their friends and say, hey, you should call up this girl and ask her out for me.'

That also goes onto the list of things that are NOT attractive.
Not so much. Instead I think I said something like, ' ... okay...! ... .. cool...! '

The rest of the conversation was a blur. All I remember is she kept asking me when I had off, because he would drive up from st cloud. Otherwise, Since i'm from st cloud, when I go home for the month I could meet him somewhere. Thank god I was working all of the rest of the weekends this month. I also only had 4 actual days to work with. Most mondays and tuesdays. Thank god I was crazy and picked up a billion shifts.
Hopefully, My life will go like this: work every day until february 8th. See emily naylon. Go on vacation. Die. That would be optimal. Or get engaged to someone else in that amount of time. I supposed I could pay someone to pretend that they are interested in dating me? ..? Right. If anybody knows anybody you know.. NORMAL, or just not more than a decade older than me, I'd be glad to take them up on it.

After I talked to her and hung up the phone, I felt like I was going to throw up. So I called naylon. 'Naylon, what do I do if I'm supposed to date a 33 year old guy who gives girls bags of stuffed chickens?' -laughing.
After a thorough conversation I realized the best thing to do is just to go on the date and make it as awkward and horrible as possible. For him, that is. This may sound bitchy, but actually, it's much nicer than the other choices. (Which are, if you are interested in knowing, )
-tellign the girl that I changed my mind and it's just not going to work out. Doing this will result in him thinking, 'my god, she didn't even want to MEET me' Plus, it will be really awkward at work because the girl will not like me because I wouldnt' date her brother in law.
-Going on the date and acting normal. Then when/if he asks to go on a second date, I will have to say no, and that will also make him feel like shit.
-dying.

These three are obviously not the best choices. After he meets me he's going to wish the last 3 hours of his life hadn't happened. Or, the date will end, and we'll both go our seperate ways, and he will laugh. A lot. and be able to tell his friends, ( granted he has any) about the weird crazy disgusting girl he went on a blind date with.

So, below, you will find a list of ideas of things to say and or do to either disgust, scare, weird-out, creep-out, (etc.) they guy.
(Just imagine you're sitting eating dinner, watching a movie, etc..)





Sweet Jesus List

1. If you have to fart, make it as obvious as possible. If it makes a noise, all the better. You don't even necessarily have to actually fart. It could just as well be a silent fart. Anyways, just kind of look into your pants, make a concerned face, and them excuse yourself to the bathroom.

2. Talk about how easy childbirth is going to be, ( for his kids.) because of your wide set vagina. (thank you mean girls.)

3. Anything about periods. Just make it in incredible detail. 'First it starts out kind of brown-ish, then goes to all of these chunks, kind of like jello with fruit in it..' I don't think anyone's period is like that, but it really does sound gross.

4. Talk about how hard it is to find the right clothes to hide the psoriasis outbreaks.



5. After that comment, just say, 'Speaking of outbreaks, it's definitely not a safe time to move our relationship into the bedroom.'


6. Throw up in his lap.


7. Refer to your pubic hair as the 'chia pet.'


8. Eat a stick of butter without chewing. (even chewing would still be gross, especially if you let some drip down your chin.)


9. Tell him that you cant' eat anything on the menu because y ou have to lose 40 pounds if you really want to be a JCPenney lingerie model.

10. Or, that you can't eat anything on the menu because you are a fruit-i-tarian, and you only eat things that were already dead. Like for example, fruit that had already fallen off the tree. Then cry when he eats his food. Because he's a murderer.

11. Find out what he looks like before the date and have a fake tattoo of his face put on your stomach, and then show it to him within the first 5 seconds of meeting him.

12. Pretend you cant' understand anything he is saying. Even if it's a question like, 'what's your favorite color?' just kind of tilt your head and look puzzled.

13. Only order alcohol for your meal. That way you wont' give a rats ass what happens anyways. That's probably what I'll do.

14. Bring him a bag of stuffed chickens. (SURPRISE!!)

15. pick your nose like you have nothing to be ashamed of.

16. Work out at least 11 times in the clothes you plan on wearing on the date.

17. Side ponytail.

18. Draw eyebrows on ... and do a VERY poor job.

19. Pay a cop to come and arrest you during dinner, then be like, 'It's for having such a dangerously fine ass.'

20. Buy a guinea pig before you go to dinner and hide it in your purse. Then let it out on the restaurant floor.

21. Ask for 10 different glasses, then pour different amounts of water in each and do that thing where you cling different ones to make a song.

22. Just say, 'HEy! GUESS WHAT! I know you may feel a little awkward, but don't. Next month I turn 23, and then, we'll only be 10 years apart!

23. Bring craig lahti to savers and have him pick out your outfit beforehand.

24. Ask,' Do you like to cut yourself?' (thanks for that one naylon)

25.Talk only of ashlee simpson.

26.Order enough food for 7 people and eat it like there's no problem

27. Act totally normal for the whole date, then be like, 'It was nice to meet you ____(insert wrong name here___'

28. Or vice versa, say his name in every sentence.

29. I know I already had a make up one, but i think it would be equally funny to buy a shade of make-up that a black person would use and slather it all over your face. Or, if you are black, buy a pale white person shade, such as my skin color.

30. Speaking of races, act extremely racist towards any particular group of people. Like, shit, I don't know, mexicans? And just bring up thoughts about them all the time. Like, 'Damn mexicans... f'ing spanish...' Except better than that.

31. Start to get all shaky and look like you're having stomach pains. When he asks what's wrong, you're going through meth withdrawals.

32. Say you think older men are really attractive. Then show him some pictures of your past boyfriends. Aka, nursing home men pictures. Then make a sexual comment about one of them. That should do it pretty well.

Well. I really can't believe it's 10:00. So much for cleaning my house. Guess I'll just watch a movie and go to bed. Sweet.
By the way, if anyone has any other really good ideas, you should tell them to me. I would greatly appreciate it.