everyone in the hospital is a baby and should have probably went to a day spa instead of the telemetry unit.

I officially hate everyone. Okay, maybe not hate, but strongly dislike the patients in rooms 19 18, 8 and 6. Here was my report to the charge nurse about what meds I gave the lady in room 8.
"Everything but aspirin.'
yes. REally. EVERYTHING. This is what she thought was wrong with her.
1. MI
2. gallbladder problem
3. hiatal hernia
4. crohn's disease
5. Bleeding ulcers
6. kidney failure
7. Pulmonary emboli
8. TIA

Not kidding. She put her light on every 3 seconds with 'shooting pains'. At one point she was crying smashing her ginormous DDD boobs togethor saying it was the only way to 'stop the pain.' Too bad that morphine maalox tylenol vicodin more morphine toradol or protonix didn't work. Neither did 3 nitros. Well, my bad, the nitro's did 'help' but only bringing her 12/10 pain down to an 8/10. Have I mentioned yet that she was 42? I should have said, here, I'll put an NG tube down your nose and into your stomach and put it on suction. Then I can stick a rectal tube in you to get the gas out. While we're at it i'll put a foley in, what the hell eh? Then I can put in a couple of 14 gauge needles, you know, just incase we need the access. You know what, lets just skip the iv's and go straight to the central line. Why not have a tube going straight into your heart? I mean, it's for the better. i'll also call up RT and we can get you on a ventilator. OOoo... we might as well make you a tracheostomy, that way if you choke on your cheetos we'll have a back up hole. Then I'll just bring the crash cart in here by your door. dont' worry, i'll put the defibrillator pads on now, that way it will save 10 seconds when you actually start h aving your mi. I'll start a nitro drip. Oh yes, and Here's some more maalox, bitch.
Too bad i never did that. One of my other patients had a temp of 103.4. you know, ridiculously high. His 'friend' is in there, not wife, friend. He had 5 blankets on and was pretty much producing more heat than ... something that would be really hot. So I take his blankets off, explaining to his friend the situation. I had already given him tylenol and it didnt' help. (he's pretty much ou t of it by the way..) He was on 3 different IV antibiotics, so all I coudl do really was cool him down. I left the sheet on him and put a cool rag on his forehead and a fan blowing on him on low. I came back in 20 minutes later to see how he was doing and his friend had put all the blankets back on and covered him in pillows. ...
'umm.... why are all of those blankets back on him?'
' he just gets so cold.'
'did he say he was cold? '
'no, b ut in the nursing home he usually is cold.'
'his temp is 103.4... we really need to get his temperature down. The tylenol isn't helping yet, and he's already on antibiotics.. IT's not good for his brain if it gets higher... ''
This is the best part. Then she starts crying that i'm cruel and not taking into account how he feels.
Alright, straight up crazy face, your friend here is hot. REALLY HOT. feel his body. When you put your hand in his armpit it feels like it's in a cauldron. GET IT? I DON't THINK HE IS COLD. Once again,didn't exactly say that. The charge nurse must have heard her ranting and came over and explained again what I had just said. to her. Then she just left crying and shaking her hands saying we were too lazy to call the doctor, and that she'd just have to pray, and 'leave it up to god.'
yes. good idea. I mean, why do we even have hospitals? All nurses like to do is give people ativan until they are too tired and drowsy to move. That way they can just lay in bed all day getting skin ulcers and we can sit around and eat cookies and play games.
After crazy mcgee left, and I could cool down cauldron pits, he woke up and started to try to crawl out of bed. Then his bed alarm was going off every 5 minutes. Which is the highest pitched thing ever. and reeaaallly loud. you could probably stand 1,000 feet away and still hear it. Pretty sure you can. I mean, if you are goign to design a bed alarm, at least make it play something nice. you already know when it goes off you're going to have to try to get someone back into bed, and they will be ornary and confused. you're not looking forward to going into the room, and then having that horrible noise really makes it much worse. Why can't they make bed alarms that play something nice , like 'honey ... da da da da da da... oh suga suga.. da da da da da da.' or somethign funny, like the monster mash. (it's a graveyard smash..)
Anyways, so I go in there because his bed alARM is going off for the thousandth time, and this time there is blood everywhere, because he had been trying to pull out his foley.
dammit joe. I told you not to pull on that string... but you HAd to do it. you HAd to see what would happen. Now look what you've done. Now you're hemoglobin is probably even lower, and i'll have to transfuse you. What a mess you've made. What a mess.
Then another one of my patients, this awkward old sexual man, (the worst kind.) had his glass eye weirdo son in the room. He tried to get me to date his son. Alright, look old frail 'i h ave to empty your urinal every half hour' man, I don't want to date glass eye over here. What if he's coughing and i hit him on the back and his eye pops out? I don't need that in my life. I'm too busy. Sweet.
I'm too tired to remember why i disliked my other patient. Oh yeah, he was very capable of getting up to use the commode, but just kept deciding that he'd go in the bed. He was also very able to get up and walk into the shower to wash himself off, but instead i had to give him about 29 bed baths to wash off all the fecal matter.
All in all, great day. But thanks for the letter gramps! I'll frame the picture!!
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