?

So today at work I got floated down to the ER, there was this guy that hadn't pooped for.. oh, I don't know, 10 days or something. Anyways, first I gave him a suppository, no success. Then an enema. Again. nothing. then the doctor comes in and says he wants to try to digitally remove the poo. Um.. okay. that's fine. Except this patient was fairly large, and the doctor couldn't get to the butthole so I had to hold his buttcheeks open. Meanwhile I was just thinking... please don't poo in my face... please don't poo in my face. so the doctor tries for a couple minutes digging around in there. Nothing is really happening, so the doctor goes to get some sort of vaccuum thing, when he comes back, right before he puts it in the guy decides that that's the right moment. And as we all know, enema poo is not solid. not at all solid. it's a stream. a forceful stream of feces spray, that went all over in my hair. Good thing it came out in bursts because that first little burst was not anything as gross as what happened next. All of this liquidy spray was spraying/dribbling out. At a time like that, what the hell do you do? (besides wash your hair..) So I just started laughing. I think the doctor thought it was funny too, and he was also probably glad that he was the one who didnt' get poo'd on. I got to go shower my head in the sink and go home an hour early. (Sweet!) maybe I should get my head pooped on more often.
That was really the most interesting thing that happened today.. I read some stuff about cardiac rhythms.. which was also exciting as all hell. Oh, nope my bad, I can add to the awkwardness. I almost forgot. so on the way home, I'm making a right turn at this stopsign. I made the turn, but apparently I didn't 'stop all the way before I turned' (...weird..) I dont' really plan on stopping all the way when it's midnight and i'm on a residential 4-way in brainerd mn. Anyways, there just happened to be a cop in the area who pulled me over. Not right away though. He waited for about .. mmm... a mile of following me around before he pulled me over. Why do cops do that? Every single time I've been pulled over that's how it's been. So just when you think you're in the clear, you're actually screwed. I'm pretty sure this cop thought I had some sort of psych illness. he pulls me over and my head is dripping wet. I handed him my license. He just asks, ' Do you know why I pulled you ov er? '
Actually no, I was going 34. Was I 4 miles over the speed limit?'
No. At that stop sign back there you didnt' signal.
Oh. I thought I signaled.
No. You didn't. you have to signal.
Well. I see your point. .....
Why is your hair wet?
A patient pooped on my head.
What ? Where do you work?
St. Joe's.
what do you do there?
nurse
Really?
( um no, I was just walking through as a candy striper and some asshole pooped on my head.) Yes. Here's my license.
Do you have insurance?
somewhere. (meanwhile looking.... still lookingg.... stilll.... )
I'll go check this out and come back and see if you've found it by then.
okay.
(still looking.....)
(He comes back...)
Well, I think i'm gonna just let you go.
I FOUND IT!! (hand him the card.)
Um, yeah, actually, this expired in february.
..... oh..
Where do you live?
Oh you know. over in that direction, in green wood. oh crap, nope, fawn.. something apartments.
on cypress?
cypress?
That road, that is right there....
Oh, yup. that's the one. that's where I live.. right there, on that road.. cypress.
Alright well I'll let you go here. Hope your night gets better.
Word.
What was that?
nothing! bye!

Real good times. Lovin life over here. A + all around. Found out I actually work tomorrow too. I was really looking forward to a day off. Too bad.