'You got skills in dem high heels'

I'm listening to the radio right now and there is a rap song on. Probably from 50 cent. amazing. I don't pay attention to what they are saying because it's mostly stuff about sexual things.. nakedness.... apple-bottom jeans... shorties.. money..... etc... It's a really great song though because it sounds like there is a video game playing in the background. I could make a sweet rap song with nintendo in the background. Especially the noise it makes when you go down a sewer/tunnel thingy.



Quite a bit has happened since I wrote on this last. I've been really busy, you know... biking... and .. watching shows online. I don't remember if I said this yet, but I signed up for some triathlons this summer. Should be fun. Except you swim in lakes. I'm going to get a super good time in the swimming part because I'll have to swim through the water faster than everyone else, so someone else will get eaten by the muskie. All I have to do to do good is swim in muskie infested waters, have chuckie on a bicycle behind me, and magically lose 40 pounds, and get all new joints by the running part. Except I'd rather lose than see chuckie... ever. I don't even like saying his name. (It's a bad omen.) I'll probably turn around now and he'll be dancing to 50 cent in some baggy ass clothes with a knife in his mouth. Crazy little red haired mcgee.

What else, oh yes, something gross happened at work. (I know, you're all taken aback by this..)

This 400 pound guy had cellulitis in his testicles and had to have surgery done on them because they were so flippin infected. He should have been shipped out for the surgery, but our sweet urologist and surgeon were all, 'Nah, lets do it here!' Good choice guys. GREAT choice. In summary, he came to the ICU. Where I got to take care of him.. WeeeEE!!
His wound was probably one of the grossest things I have ever seen. really. Well, maybe not, but it's up there. I still think putting catheters in women with layers of 'cheese' is much worse. The smell is pretty much unbelievable. Anyways, I had to change this guys' dressing. nobody had changed it since the surgeon put the original dressing in. I had to take layers of roll gauze and soak them in this silvidine slurry. At first I thought it would be fun. Especially because I liked then name silvidine slurry. It sounds like something you'd get from mcdonald's... or dairy queen. Like, the silvidine mcslurry. Throw some oreo's in there, and you'd probably never even know the difference. Mostly because oreo's are amazing. So I take all my supplies and go into his room.
Now, taking care of him at this point really isn't that bad. Mostly because he is still unresponsive and on a respirator. I just slip him some morphine before I go to dig around in his groin. The patient wasn't much of a problem... his wife however.. was. She definitely had some mental problems. She showed me all of the medications she takes for her bipolar... schizo... depression.... everything under the sun basically. Then she would talk about 5 decibals louder than any normal person would. She was continous talking. I don't even remember her name. I just called her continously talking lady. She really never stopped. She would follow you out of the room and talk to you. About nothing. Then she started rapping.. like really rapping. She said,' My husband taught me this song... by snoop dogg. Then she rapped for over a minute.. word for word this song that I have never heard. But as I mentioned above, it mentioned a lot of sexual things, shorties, money, pole dancin' etc. The charge nurse doug just looked at me like.... WOah... did that just happen? Yes. Yes it did. Then she kept talking in her normally ridiculously loud voice. I didnt' really know how to react so I just kind of laughed and said... you're pretty good at that. ' Then she got even louder and said,
' I KNOW! My husband and everyone else tells me about all of these weird talents I have. I just say things and they just turn out SO funny! Like this one time my husband and I went to a halloween party and I got this big wig with dark long curly hair and put it on him and then me and my mom were searching for shoes for him but we couldnt' find anything wide enough for his feet so we had to use bedroom slippers and then ...etc..etc.. '
She talked about this halloween costume for the next 15 minutes. It's really hard to keep reacting to what people are saying when you just don't give a damn. You just kind of tune them out and then listen once every 5 minutes so you can make a comment that has something to do with what they just said. That way they think you're paying attention. Even worse, this guy happens to be on 7 different drips, levophed, insulin, TPN, Lipids, Antibiotics, maintenance.. etc. So While I'm tryign to titrate these drips and you know, think, she just keeps talking. It's like having a horrible radio station on that you can't turn off while you're studying something difficult.
Getting on with the point of this blog....
Before I changed hsi dressing I thought I'd wash him up a little bit. This is no small task. When you're 450 pounds there is a whole lot of surface area to cover. I started with the face. Which you know, orange and yellow stuff came off on the rag.. and some chunks. When I think about it, actually washing him up was much more disgusting than the dressing change. I actually am getting nauseated writing this. Like where you can feel the vomit coming up your throat and light headed. Ish.
Anyways, So then I'm moving down, going for the armpits, which are really hard to wash. You h ave to try to hold up a 45 pound arm while not stretching any of the IV cords or cvp cords, and trying to wash in all of the folds of the armpit. When I lifted his armpit up I found a quarter in one of the folds. Yes. A Quarter. Along with a Forest.. no wait a jungle of skin tags. There were so many skin tags in his armpit it was like looking into a cave with lots of bats dangling from the ceiling. I think that in itself was the grossest thign I've ever seen. I just wanted to take a scissors and cut them off. Just cut all of the hundreds of skin tags off. I didn't know I was so grossed out by skintags, but I actually want to vomit right now. uggghhh. So I was wiping the skin tags, aka his armpit and it was once again browny yellow thick crappy junkness and dangly skin tags. He was so dirty that I had to use a new rag each time I wiped him... and was just debating throwing the rags in the garbage instead of the laundry bag. He even had skin tags in his knee pits. SKIN TAGS... in the KNEE PIT. Mother of God. Then while I'm cleaning him crazy 'I talk a whole shit ton' wife is over in the corner continously talking about her and her husband having sex. 'He was so great, he never forced sex.' YEah... I believe it. first of all he has no wang. REally. No wang. I don't know how the urologist got that catheter in. I looks like he just picked a random spot on his stomach and stuck a hole there for the catheter. REally. There were a couple of balls... not in the right spot because of his surgery. (which I found out when I was changing the dressing. One ball was kind of where it was supposed to be... and another one was about 6-7 inches farther down. There was no wang. Nothing. Just the blue catheter sticking out of something that looked like at one point in time, centuries ago... COULd have been a penis. Who really knows. Another thing, you guys couldn't have had sex in years because you would still be dirty from it. All over your body dirty. Plus you would have such a bad yeast infection you probably would have died. If you wanted to have sex with your husband you might as well just have gone swimming in a holding pond outside of a dogfood factory, and then rubbed some poop and sand in your vagina. That's probably what it would have been like.
I remember the doctor walked in while I was washign him up, and when I saw him later he goes, ' if he survives this, IF, someone should convince him to shower more than once every couple of months. Then the best part, is his wife keeps saying stuff like, 'I'm going to sue the casino.' Because, in her deranged thinking, she thought the the 'dirtyness of the casino' is what caused him to have this infection. Then I mentioned something like, well, did he have a hard time washign himself up ? And she goes,' You know, that might have been it too, because his arms have shortened and he cant' reach in to wash himself up down there.' Then she made this awkward move like her elbows were attatched to her sides and she was trying to wash her privates.
His arms have shortened.?? Maybe it's those 200 extra pounds in just the abdomen area. It's like wearing a huge black floaty ring on your waist, and then trying to wipe your butt. Not happening. Not even just one black floaty ring.... maybe 2 or 3 of them.
So , after all of this, it's now time to change his dressing. They could not suture his incision because it would get so infected he would have probably died of sepsis. After I took out the rolls of gauze and abd pads, I had to re-pack his dressing with these gauze rolls and sylvidine slurry. :) While I'm changing the dressing I have 3 other people in the room, one to hold one leg, one to shine a flashlight into the wound, and another to go get things, like extra gauze, morphine, hold the garbage, pour the slurry.. etc.. (it's still funny.. slurry..) Anyways, inside his wound, was necrotic tissue, aka black chunks, pus, whitey yellow fluid, lots of tissue, and lots of other things that were buried and I couldn't see. Hopefully not quarters. So I'm packing this would... and it's so deep that I am putting my whole hand in, and my arm almost up to my elbow packing this with sylvidine gauze. I had to pack the gauze and then try to make a figure 8 around his spaced out balls. I had to use 5 different 6 foot long 4 inch wide gauzes to fill this hole. It started by about the top of his right hip and went around into the balls, then back by the butthole. I actually had to pack around his butthole with gauze. ... AND guess who is still Talking!?!?! STILL!!!! She wanted to see the incision, so I let her see it, and since there were so many people in the room I made her stand outside the sliding door. She was still talking.
After I had changed his dressing and his bed and everything, and 2 hours had passed, I had to keep coming in and out of the room to take care of the drips, vent, etc... She continuously talked the entire time. I would be in the room for 10 minutes, and then go grab something and come back a minute later and it was like I never left. She would restart the conversation exactly where she had left off. It was like I just hit a pause button when I left and then play again when I got back in.
To say the least... it was a really, really, really, really... Really long shift. I'm very glad I chose to be on call today. I hope they don't call me in. But now that I've said that, they will probably call in the next 5 minutes. yucky. This was a couple days ago though. The next morning they finally shipped him out. He deinitely needed a lot of help that little old brainerd could not help with. They wouldn't even accept him at mayo. Then had to send him to the U of M. One sick puppy.
This was a long blog, but since I have no friends in real life here, I have to write on this. Have a nice day everyone! Make sure you don't get so fat that you cant' wash yourself. .. that'd be great. Thanks.